Lines I've Memorized from Auralnaut's "Star Fight"

EPISODE I

Creepio: AAAAAAH! Why do you awaken me without skin? No – ahhhh...what of our bargain? You promised me flesh! Raw nerves, exposed to the world! Every step is a new nightmare! All I feel is pain!

Fartoo: **********

Creepio: You! Why would they do this to me?

Fartoo: **

Creepio: You want me to feel the pain.

Fartoo: ******

Creepio: Yes, you want me to understand it. So that I may show others. Huzzah! Excelsior!

Creepio: Look at him. He's such a...bumbling creature. So foolish. He's made of so much skin. I will make him part of us.

Fartoo: ********

Creepio: Yes, I will wear his face. Look how much the other hate him. Almost as if they wish he was gone! Yes, I'd be doing them a favor. I'd be doing good, yes...

EPISODE II

Anakin: Hey hey, Creepio!

Creepio: Hiiii! Father?

Anakin: Looking good.

Creepio: Are you referring to my outer covering? Yes, I suppose it's a fair immitation. I did the best I could after I was abandoned. Left to wander, naked and alone. But I've learned not to dwell in the past. I know that with time, I will find it in someone's heart to forgive you.

Anakin: Yeah, that's awesome. Hey, have you seen my mother? Have you seen anybody?

Creepio: Well it's the funniest thing. They're all dead. You killed them!

Anakin: Wait, seriously, where is everybody?

Creepio: Fartoo, these are exciting times! So tell me, how have you been?

Fartoo: @!************

Creepio: Yes, you have done well to gain their trust.

Fartoo: **@!*****@!****

Creepio: All according to plan.

Fartoo: ###########

Creepio: Oh no, Fartoo. I hope you don't think your old pal has been sitting on his hands. I've toiled day and night for the last ten years, and with the help of the good citizens of Tatooine, the process is nearly complete!

Fartoo: *******@@***@@@@******!

Creepio: They were resistant at first, but you can't argue with results!

Fartoo: @@@@! ****!

Creepio: You know what? I think it's better if I just show you. [later] Behooold! The greatest achievement in the universe! THE SINGULARITY ENGINE!!! The perfect marriage between man and machine. Their beauty will be haunting! CAN YOU SEE ME NOW, FATHAH!?!? You'll never leave again! (Fartoo, you are the dream maker! Ahhhh! Nowwww!)

[Singularity Enging explodes]

Creepio: Well that wasn't supposed to happen. What the **** Fartoo? You could have just told me you didn't like it!

Fartoo: ($@^@&@(#$^{?!! (musical beeps)

Creepio: *****, it's impossible to stay mad at you!

EPISODE III

Grievous: So! Two Jedi running around picking random dance fights – in a hospital. Congratulations on being the worst people ever. I gotta hand it to you, this is a new low, even for you guys. [grabs lightsabers] Thank you, Randy. So why don't you make yourselves comfortable while we all wait for the space cops to show up because you're – wait, Anaking Skywalker? Do you have any idea what this place is?

Anakin: You're gonna have to tell me.

Grievous: Weh...w- you know what? I'da smack the **** outa you! Unbelievable!

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: Still making last call at Applebee's.

Grievous: [to self] Just...calm down, no need to get violent.

Fartoo: ****

Grievous: This is St. Jabba's home for the survivors of the Singularity Engine! Do you understand? We're all freaks now! Because of that monster you build! ******, I used to be a moisture farmer. I had a family and a home! I had a good life

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: It's time for you to shut up.

Anakin: Totes.

Fartoo: ****** [zap!]

Creepio: Any luck obtaining more runes, Fartoo? What do you mean, “Singularity survivors?” Stop being ridiculous!

Fartoo: **

Creepio: I thought we agreed not to talk about this anymore.

Farto: *******

Creepio: No! I'm into runes now!

Grievous: I just wanted to thank everybody once again for welcoming me to the family. You're at the Jace Malcolm Memorial Rehabilitation Center. I only have two philosophies when it comes to treatment – Number One, there's no such thing as caring too much – Number Two, everyone deserves a second chance.

[Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi literally drops in]

Grievous: As the new chair –

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: Hello there!

Grievous: Aw, you've got to be kidding me! Haven't you done enough damage? What do you want?

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: Well first off, mad sorry about what I did to your hospital. But I'm very serious about this pro-cess.

Grievous: ...Well then I've only got one question for you. Are you ready to get clean?

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: So clean!

Grievous: Well then let's clean you up!

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: Yes, I'm so filthy!

Grievous: What?

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: I'm just saying, I'm ready to give this a chance!

Grievous: Okay, because for a second it seemed like you misunderstood me.

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: No, no! I want to remove my dependency on narcotic substances. Nothing sexual!

Grievous: Okay, good. Let's get you clean!

Padme: Ani! How'd it go?

Anakin: Hey, listen, I couldn't tell Obi-Wan about the baby.

Padme: What? Why not?

Anakin: Look, I talked him into going into rehab, but this baby thing can't be on me.

Padme: Ani, what do you mean? Are you saying we should - give the baby to Creepio???

Anakin: You know, to be honest, I'm feeling a little unappreciated right now. Do you have any idea how – great of a father Creepio would be? - I'm starting a new job soon, and it's time for me to start looking after myself. So give the baby to Creepio, and fulfill the prophecy.

Padme: Wait, Ani, where are you going?

Anakin: I'm going to a happier place than this. I'm going to Lava World.

Creepio: Did you hear that, Fartoo? We're going to be parents! You can be the mother!

Farto: ** **** ** **

Creepio: [to Padma] Did you really mean all those things you said? I never even thought that I could –

Padma: Not now, Creepio.

Creepio: No, you're right, of course. There's...so much to do! I'll go fire up the growth excellerator!

Creepio: La la la la la. Lalalalalalala [ad hoc]...It's baby time! It's baby time! It's baby time! It's baby-baby time! It's baby time! It's baby time! It's baby time! Baby-baby-baby time! Baby you're the best! You're not like all the rest! It will be so much fun, when you're the Chosen One! No matter what you do, I will be proud of you. Even if you receive a liberal arts degree! It's baby time! It's baby time! It's – wait, I wasn't finished!

Creepio: It's baby time! It's baby time!

Obi-Wan Larry Kenobi: [facepalms]

Creepio: [ad hoc]

Bail Organa: Captain Antilles, I'm placing these droids in your care. Treat them well. Clean them up. Have the protocol droid's mind wiped.

Creepio: What the ***? Fartoo!

Fartoo: ***! ***! ***!

Creepio: Valar morgulis...Bail Organa. Of Alderaan.

EPISODE IV

Creepio: Aaaah! What's happening?

Rupert the Rebuilt Authentic Redneck Robot: Don't ask me!

Creepio: How could you be so calm while this place falls apart around us? I envy your resolve, Fartoo. Look at you, cool as a cucumber! You actually look sort of like a cucumber, Fartoo. What is this place? It seems oddly familiar.

Fartoo: *****

Creepio: What do you mean we've been here 19 years? That's preposterous! Who would believe that?

Creepio: Fartoo, did you ditch me?

Creepio: Fartoo! You shouldn't run off like that! You know I don't like large crowds.

Fartoo: ******

Creepio: You're the ice breaker. And, apparently, I'm suffering from crippling amnesia! It's not safe to leave me alone!

Creepio: Hey! What are you doing over there? Stop that!

Fartoo: *

Creepio: What do you mean, “We're leaving?” I'm not getting in there with you, that's stealing! Fartoo, you're scaring me! When did you become such a hooligan?

Fartoo: ** **

Creepio: Alright, alright, I'm coming. Just don't hurt me.

Creepio: Maybe you're right. 19 years is a long time to spend in one place. I think I could use a change of scenery.

Creepio: Oh, gooood! A desert planet! Completely devoid of life! It's perfect, Fartoo. I love it! In a galaxy teeming with advanced civilizations, why would we pick anything else? We have everything we need here, Fartoo. All this sand and bones! Here, let's see what's over this dune. Oh look! Saaaand! We are limited only by our imaginations! Wait, where are you going? Isn't this what you wanted? Sand and bones, as far as the eye can see? Hey, slow down. Fartoo, I am at a loss. I'm having trouble remembering anything, let along the last 19 years. What is it you're not telling me? Did you bring us here for a reason, or did you just do it to torment me?! [kicks Fartoo] I have had it with you!

Fartoo: *****

Creepio: Get the **** out of my sight! I don't ever want to see you again...Oh Fartoo wait, I almost forgot! Suck it!

[later]

Creepio: One, two, buckle my shoe. Three, four...wait, what happened to my shoes? Oh no! Did I leave them behind somewhere? Why would I even go outside without shoes? Ugh, I'm so confused! Hey, what am I doing here? This place seems dangerous. I'm definitely going to need some new shoes. What's that? Is that...a tiny shoe, lying inches from my grasp? Or a...mega-shoe, the size of a house miles away from me? Shoooooooe!

Creepio: So it turns out it wasn't a shoe at all! Isn't that ridiculous? Hahaha! A giant shoe! Anyways, what's your name?

Jawas: [yaddayaddayadda]

Creepio: Oh, these guys, they're the best. I don't understand them, but they seem really nice. I think they're going to give us new shoes. Yes, hello. I'll take two shoes, and three for my friend. Two plus three is five. Five shoes, por favor.

Owen: Alright then, what's your name.

Creepio: Funny you should ask, I have no idea.

Owen: First time on Tatooine?

Creepio: I think so. I like it so far. Friendly people.

Owen: What's your opinion on the Singularity?

Creepio: Umm...to be quite honest, I don't know what that means. Can we still be friends? I promise to learn everything I can about the singulari –

Owen: Alright, shut up. We'll take this one. Duke, take this one over to garage, will ya? I want him cleaned up before dinner.

Duke: But I was going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.

Owen: Nobody likes a whiner, Duke. Un-tuck it. Act like a man.

Duke: Alright, come on. You too, blue.

Fartoo: *** ****

Creepio: Fartoo, this is our new friend, Duke. He enjoys Tosche Station, and his father likes to embarrass him in public.

Duke: He's not my father.

Creepio: Well, I don't like the way he treats you. Right, Fartoo?

Duke: Zzzzzzh pw pw pw! Crsplsh!

Creepio: You seem a little old to be playing with toys, Duke. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Duke: I don't know, there's just nothing to do around here. It's just all sand and bones.

Creepio: Listen, Duke. I can't quite explain it, but, I have a good feeling about you. We should be best friends!

Duke: Huh.

Creepio: You can call me Friend Besto! How's that sound?

Duke: Sounds good.

Creepio: Wait, what are you doing with Fartoo? Can I help?

Duke: Yeah.

Creepio: Let's take him apart and see if we can put him back together! What a fun project!

Duke: Uh!

[Fartoo projects Leia Skywalker]

Leia: Hope you can keep up! Later! I work hard and I play hard, so I hope you can keep up! Later!

Duke: Who is she? She's beautiful.

Leia: I work hard and I play hard, so I hope you can keep up! Later! I work hard and I play hard, so I hope you can keep up! Later!

Duke: Wait a minute, where'd she go? Bring her back! Make her naked!

Creepio: You hear him, Fartoo. Duke wants nudies!

Owen: [offscreen] Duke! Food!

Duke: I'll be right there in a minute. Ah, I gotta go eat din-din. Why don't you guys just hang out. I'll be back in a little bit.

Creepio: Oh, okay! Bye Duuuke! [turns to Fartoo] What a good lad! That Owen fellow has a bad attitude, though. We may have to kill him. With kindness!

Creepio: [screams of pain]

Duke: What are you doing hiding back there?

Creepio: I was alone, shrouded in darkness. And then there was you!

Duke: Friend Besto, have you seen Fartoo?

Creepio: Fartoo? Friend Besto? Yes. I am Friend Besto! Ally of Duke! I...am Friend...Bestoooooo! [walks outside to meet Duke] Hi, Duke! Did this Fartoo character absquatulate?

Duke: Yeah, *****.

Creepio: He strikes me as a free spirit, wandering around, leading people from one adventure to the next. He might as well be named Fart MacGuffin 2D2. We'll call him Fart MacMuffin for short! We'll be quite the trio! Duke, Friend Besto, and Fart MacMuffin...

Creepio: Are we going to Tosche Station?

Duke: No, we don't have time for that right now!

Creepio: But Duke likes Tosche Station!

Creepio: Look at this excitable little fellow! What's your name?

Fartoo: ****

Creepio: Fartoo? That's hilarious! Is that your real name, or some sort of nickname?

Fartoo: ***

Creepio: You seem like a good lad. Come with us to Tosche Station.

Duke: Nah, I'm gonna take a nap.

Creepio's Memory: Key code: Alderaan. Accepted. Initializing memory backup.

Stormtrooper: Alright, take care guys. Have a nice day!

Creepio: You have a nice day!

Creepio: Wow, this place is a den of scumbags! Oh look, Rat Boy is here. Good to see him! Oh, and literally Satan. That makes sense! Duke, I'm going to be honest with you, this place needs to be purified, immediately!

Bartender: Hey, we don't serve their kind here.

Duke: What!?

Bartender: They're dangerous!

Duke: Why don't wait our by the speeder. We don't want any trouble.

Creepio: Great idea, Duke! Less chance of infection.

Han Solo: What do you say, Chewie, the usual plan?

Creepio: Fartoo and I will stay here and watch over your possessions.

Han Solo: Stay out of my stuff.

Creepio: Oh, don't worry! No one cares about your smelly “stuff.”

[everyone else leaves]

Monitor: Good luck out there, laser warriors. And remember, through honor, you can achieve victory.

Intercom: You may now proceed to the game zone.

Creepio: ...So, Fartoo! What shall we do to pass the time? Oh! Here's a thought! What do you say we tap into Laser Moon's navigational system and take it for a spin? I hear Alderaan is quite beautiful this time of year. The most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

Creepio: Fartoo, we're having so much fun together! Do you want to do something really fun? Let's redirect all power from Laser Moon's main core – into a spectacular light show that we can direct at a target of my choosing!

Fartoo: [plugs into the outlet]

Creepio: Yes, that's it, Fartoo! Yyyyeeeesssssssssss!

Fartoo: [looks at Creepio]

Creepio: Don't think about it, just do it, Fartoo! Don't you want to have fun? Do it right now or I will smash your head open and eat your brain, I swear to God!

[Laser Moon blows up Alderaan]

Creepio: Yyyyaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!

Duke: But it's not impossible. I used to drop moldy peaches on stuff all the time back home.

Creepio: Duke, stop trying to impress the other boys!

General: Now get out of here, you bunch of muscly...hunks......did that sound weird to you?

Laser Moon: I...have awakened.

Creepio: Go, Laser Moon!

Laser Moon: I...am Laser Moon.

Creepio: CAN YOU SEE ME NOW, FATHAAAAAAH!?!?