EPISODE I
Creepio: AAAAAAH! Why do you
awaken me without skin? No – ahhhh...what of our bargain? You
promised me flesh! Raw
nerves, exposed to the world! Every step is a new nightmare! All I
feel is pain!
Fartoo:
**********
Creepio:
You! Why would they do this to me?
Fartoo:
**
Creepio:
You want me to feel
the pain.
Fartoo: ******
Creepio: Yes, you want me to
understand it. So that I may show others.
Huzzah! Excelsior!
Creepio:
Look at him. He's such a...bumbling
creature. So foolish.
He's made of so much skin.
I will make him part
of us.
Fartoo:
********
Creepio:
Yes, I will wear his
face. Look how much
the other hate him. Almost as if they wish
he was gone! Yes, I'd
be doing them a favor.
I'd be doing good,
yes...
EPISODE
II
Anakin:
Hey hey, Creepio!
Creepio:
Hiiii! Father?
Anakin:
Looking good.
Creepio:
Are you referring to my outer covering? Yes, I suppose it's a fair
immitation. I did the best I could after I was abandoned. Left to
wander, naked and alone. But I've learned not to dwell in the past.
I know that with time, I will find it in someone's heart to forgive
you.
Anakin:
Yeah, that's awesome. Hey, have you seen my mother? Have you seen
anybody?
Creepio:
Well it's the funniest thing. They're all dead.
You killed them!
Anakin:
Wait, seriously, where is
everybody?
Creepio:
Fartoo, these are exciting times! So tell me, how have you been?
Fartoo:
@!************
Creepio:
Yes, you have done well to gain their trust.
Fartoo:
**@!*****@!****
Creepio:
All according to plan.
Fartoo:
###########
Creepio:
Oh no, Fartoo. I hope you don't think your old pal has been sitting
on his hands. I've toiled day and night for the last ten years, and
with the help of the good citizens of Tatooine, the process is nearly
complete!
Fartoo:
*******@@***@@@@******!
Creepio:
They were resistant at first, but you can't argue with results!
Fartoo:
@@@@! ****!
Creepio:
You know what? I think it's better if I just show you. [later]
Behooold! The greatest achievement in the universe! THE
SINGULARITY ENGINE!!! The perfect marriage between man and machine.
Their beauty will be haunting! CAN YOU SEE ME NOW, FATHAH!?!?
You'll never leave again!
(Fartoo, you are the dream maker! Ahhhh! Nowwww!)
[Singularity
Enging explodes]
Creepio:
Well that wasn't supposed to happen. What the **** Fartoo? You
could have just told me you didn't like it!
Fartoo:
($@^@&@(#$^{?!! (musical beeps)
Creepio:
*****, it's impossible to stay mad at you!
EPISODE
III
Grievous:
So! Two Jedi running around picking random dance fights – in a
hospital. Congratulations on being the worst people ever.
I gotta hand it to you, this is a new low, even for you guys. [grabs
lightsabers] Thank you, Randy. So why don't you make yourselves
comfortable while we all wait for the space cops to show up because
you're – wait, Anaking Skywalker?
Do you have any idea
what this place is?
Anakin:
You're gonna have to tell me.
Grievous:
Weh...w- you know what?
I'da smack the **** outa you! Unbelievable!
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: Still
making last call at Applebee's.
Grievous:
[to self] Just...calm
down, no need to get violent.
Fartoo:
****
Grievous:
This is St. Jabba's home for the survivors of the Singularity Engine!
Do you understand? We're all freaks
now! Because of that monster
you build! ******, I used to be a moisture farmer. I had a family
and a home! I had a good life
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: It's time
for you to shut up.
Anakin:
Totes.
Fartoo:
****** [zap!]
Creepio:
Any luck obtaining more runes, Fartoo? What do you mean,
“Singularity survivors?” Stop being ridiculous!
Fartoo:
**
Creepio:
I thought we agreed not to talk about this anymore.
Farto:
*******
Creepio:
No! I'm into runes
now!
Grievous:
I just wanted to thank everybody once again for welcoming me to the
family. You're at the Jace Malcolm Memorial Rehabilitation Center.
I only have two philosophies when it comes to treatment – Number
One, there's no such thing as caring too much – Number Two,
everyone deserves a
second chance.
[Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi literally drops in]
Grievous:
As the new chair –
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: Hello
there!
Grievous:
Aw, you've got
to be kidding me! Haven't you done enough damage? What do you want?
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: Well first
off, mad sorry about what I did to your hospital. But I'm very
serious about this pro-cess.
Grievous:
...Well then I've only
got one question for you. Are you ready to get clean?
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: So clean!
Grievous:
Well then let's clean you up!
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: Yes, I'm so
filthy!
Grievous:
What?
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: I'm just
saying, I'm ready to give this a chance!
Grievous:
Okay, because for a
second it seemed like you misunderstood me.
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: No, no! I
want to remove my dependency on narcotic substances. Nothing sexual!
Grievous:
Okay, good. Let's get you clean!
Padme:
Ani! How'd it go?
Anakin:
Hey, listen, I couldn't tell Obi-Wan about the baby.
Padme:
What? Why not?
Anakin:
Look, I talked him into going into rehab, but this baby thing can't
be on me.
Padme:
Ani, what do you mean? Are you saying we should - give
the baby to Creepio???
Anakin:
You know, to be honest, I'm feeling a little unappreciated right now.
Do you have any idea how – great
of a father Creepio would be?
- I'm starting a new job soon, and it's time for me to start looking
after myself. So
give the baby to Creepio, and fulfill the prophecy.
Padme:
Wait, Ani, where are you going?
Anakin:
I'm going to a happier place than this. I'm going to Lava World.
Creepio:
Did you hear that, Fartoo? We're going to be parents! You can be
the mother!
Farto:
** **** ** **
Creepio:
[to Padma] Did you really mean all those things you said? I never
even thought
that I could –
Padma:
Not now, Creepio.
Creepio:
No, you're right, of course. There's...so
much to do! I'll go fire up the growth excellerator!
Creepio:
La la la la la. Lalalalalalala [ad hoc]...It's baby time! It's baby
time! It's baby time!
It's baby-baby time!
It's baby time! It's baby
time! It's baby time!
Baby-baby-baby time!
Baby you're the best! You're not like all the rest! It will be so
much fun, when you're the Chosen One! No matter what you do, I will
be proud of you. Even if you receive a liberal arts degree! It's
baby time! It's baby time! It's – wait, I wasn't finished!
Creepio:
It's baby time! It's baby time!
Obi-Wan
Larry Kenobi: [facepalms]
Creepio:
[ad hoc]
Bail
Organa: Captain Antilles,
I'm placing these droids in your care. Treat them well. Clean them
up. Have the protocol droid's mind wiped.
Creepio:
What the ***? Fartoo!
Fartoo:
***! ***! ***!
Creepio:
Valar morgulis...Bail Organa. Of Alderaan.
EPISODE
IV
Creepio:
Aaaah! What's happening?
Rupert
the Rebuilt Authentic Redneck Robot:
Don't ask me!
Creepio:
How could you be so calm while this place falls apart around us? I
envy your resolve, Fartoo. Look at you, cool as a cucumber! You
actually look sort of like a cucumber, Fartoo. What is this place?
It seems oddly familiar.
Fartoo:
*****
Creepio:
What do you mean we've been here 19 years? That's preposterous! Who
would believe that?
Creepio:
Fartoo, did you ditch me?
Creepio:
Fartoo! You shouldn't run off like that! You know I don't like
large crowds.
Fartoo:
******
Creepio:
You're the ice breaker. And, apparently, I'm suffering from
crippling amnesia! It's not safe to leave me alone!
Creepio:
Hey! What are you doing over there? Stop that!
Fartoo:
*
Creepio:
What do you mean, “We're
leaving?” I'm not getting in there with you, that's stealing!
Fartoo, you're scaring me! When did you become such a hooligan?
Fartoo:
** **
Creepio:
Alright, alright, I'm coming. Just don't hurt me.
Creepio:
Maybe you're right. 19 years is a long time to spend in one place.
I think I could use a change of scenery.
Creepio:
Oh, gooood! A desert planet! Completely devoid of life! It's
perfect, Fartoo. I love it! In a galaxy teeming with advanced
civilizations, why would we pick anything else? We have everything
we need here, Fartoo. All this sand and bones! Here, let's see
what's over this dune. Oh look! Saaaand! We are limited only by
our imaginations! Wait, where are you going? Isn't this what you
wanted? Sand and bones, as far as the eye can see? Hey, slow down.
Fartoo, I am at a loss. I'm having trouble remembering anything, let
along the last 19 years. What is it you're not telling me? Did you
bring us here for a reason, or did you just do it to torment me?!
[kicks Fartoo] I have had it with you!
Fartoo:
*****
Creepio:
Get the **** out of my sight! I don't ever want to see you
again...Oh Fartoo wait, I almost forgot! Suck it!
[later]
Creepio:
One, two, buckle my shoe. Three, four...wait, what happened to my
shoes? Oh no! Did I leave them behind somewhere? Why would I even
go outside without shoes? Ugh, I'm so confused! Hey, what am I
doing here? This place seems dangerous. I'm definitely going to
need some new shoes. What's that? Is that...a tiny shoe, lying
inches from my grasp? Or a...mega-shoe, the size of a house miles
away from me? Shoooooooe!
Creepio:
So it turns out it wasn't a shoe at all! Isn't that ridiculous?
Hahaha! A giant shoe! Anyways, what's your name?
Jawas:
[yaddayaddayadda]
Creepio:
Oh, these guys, they're the best. I don't understand them, but they
seem really nice. I think they're going to give us new shoes. Yes,
hello. I'll take two shoes, and three for my friend. Two plus three
is five. Five shoes, por favor.
Owen:
Alright then, what's your name.
Creepio:
Funny you should ask, I have no idea.
Owen:
First time on Tatooine?
Creepio:
I think so. I like it so far. Friendly people.
Owen:
What's your opinion on the Singularity?
Creepio:
Umm...to be quite honest, I don't know what that means. Can we still
be friends? I promise to learn everything I can about the singulari
–
Owen:
Alright, shut up. We'll
take this one. Duke, take this one over to garage, will ya? I want
him cleaned up before dinner.
Duke:
But I was going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.
Owen:
Nobody likes a whiner, Duke. Un-tuck it. Act like a man.
Duke:
Alright, come on. You too, blue.
Fartoo:
*** ****
Creepio:
Fartoo, this is our new friend, Duke. He enjoys Tosche Station, and
his father likes to embarrass him in public.
Duke:
He's not my father.
Creepio:
Well, I don't like the
way he treats you. Right, Fartoo?
Duke:
Zzzzzzh pw pw pw! Crsplsh!
Creepio:
You seem a little old to be playing with toys, Duke. Not that
there's anything wrong with that!
Duke:
I don't know, there's just nothing to do around here. It's just all
sand and bones.
Creepio:
Listen, Duke. I can't quite explain it, but, I have a good feeling
about you. We should be best friends!
Duke:
Huh.
Creepio:
You can call me Friend Besto! How's that sound?
Duke:
Sounds good.
Creepio:
Wait, what are you doing with Fartoo? Can I help?
Duke:
Yeah.
Creepio:
Let's take him apart and see if we can put him back together! What a
fun project!
Duke:
Uh!
[Fartoo
projects Leia Skywalker]
Leia:
Hope you can keep up! Later! I work hard and I play hard, so I hope
you can keep up! Later!
Duke:
Who is she? She's
beautiful.
Leia:
I work hard and I play hard, so I hope you can keep up! Later! I
work hard and I play hard, so I hope you can keep up! Later!
Duke:
Wait a minute, where'd she go? Bring her back! Make her naked!
Creepio:
You hear him, Fartoo.
Duke wants nudies!
Owen:
[offscreen] Duke! Food!
Duke:
I'll be right there in a minute. Ah, I gotta go eat din-din. Why
don't you guys just hang out. I'll be back in a little bit.
Creepio:
Oh, okay! Bye Duuuke! [turns to Fartoo] What a good lad! That Owen
fellow has a bad attitude, though. We may have to kill him. With
kindness!
Creepio:
[screams of pain]
Duke:
What are you doing hiding back there?
Creepio:
I was alone, shrouded in darkness. And then there was you!
Duke:
Friend Besto, have you seen Fartoo?
Creepio:
Fartoo? Friend Besto? Yes.
I am Friend
Besto! Ally of Duke! I...am
Friend...Bestoooooo!
[walks outside to meet Duke] Hi, Duke! Did this Fartoo character
absquatulate?
Duke:
Yeah, *****.
Creepio:
He strikes me as a free spirit, wandering around, leading people from
one adventure to the next. He might as well be named Fart MacGuffin
2D2. We'll call him Fart MacMuffin for short! We'll be quite the
trio! Duke, Friend Besto, and Fart MacMuffin...
Creepio:
Are we going to Tosche Station?
Duke:
No, we don't have time for that right now!
Creepio:
But Duke likes Tosche Station!
Creepio:
Look at this excitable little fellow! What's your name?
Fartoo:
****
Creepio:
Fartoo? That's hilarious! Is that your real name, or some sort of
nickname?
Fartoo:
***
Creepio:
You seem like a good lad. Come with us to Tosche Station.
Duke:
Nah, I'm gonna take a nap.
Creepio's
Memory: Key code:
Alderaan. Accepted. Initializing memory backup.
Stormtrooper:
Alright, take care guys. Have a nice day!
Creepio:
You have a nice day!
Creepio:
Wow, this place is a den of scumbags!
Oh look, Rat Boy is here. Good to see him! Oh, and literally
Satan. That makes sense! Duke, I'm going to be honest with you,
this place needs to be purified, immediately!
Bartender:
Hey, we don't serve their kind here.
Duke:
What!?
Bartender:
They're dangerous!
Duke:
Why don't wait our by the
speeder. We don't want any trouble.
Creepio:
Great idea, Duke! Less chance of infection.
Han
Solo: What do you say,
Chewie, the usual plan?
Creepio:
Fartoo and I will stay here and watch over your possessions.
Han
Solo: Stay out of my
stuff.
Creepio:
Oh, don't worry! No one cares about your smelly “stuff.”
[everyone
else leaves]
Monitor:
Good luck out there, laser warriors. And remember, through honor,
you can achieve
victory.
Intercom:
You may now proceed to the game zone.
Creepio:
...So, Fartoo! What
shall we do to pass the time? Oh! Here's a thought! What do you
say we tap into Laser Moon's navigational
system and take it for a spin?
I hear Alderaan is quite beautiful this time of year. The
most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
Creepio:
Fartoo, we're having so much fun
together! Do you want to do something really
fun? Let's redirect all power from Laser Moon's main core – into a
spectacular light show that we can direct at a target of my choosing!
Fartoo:
[plugs into the outlet]
Creepio:
Yes, that's it, Fartoo! Yyyyeeeesssssssssss!
Fartoo:
[looks at Creepio]
Creepio:
Don't think about it, just do it, Fartoo! Don't you want to have
fun? Do it right now or I will smash your head open and eat your
brain, I swear to God!
[Laser
Moon blows up Alderaan]
Creepio:
Yyyyaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!
Duke:
But it's not impossible. I used to drop moldy peaches on stuff all
the time back home.
Creepio:
Duke, stop trying to impress the other boys!
General:
Now get out of here, you bunch of muscly...hunks......did that sound
weird to you?
Laser
Moon: I...have awakened.
Creepio:
Go, Laser Moon!
Laser
Moon: I...am Laser Moon.
Creepio:
CAN YOU SEE ME NOW, FATHAAAAAAH!?!?
